3 Things I Wish I Knew Earlier in My Cancer Journey
Hearing the dreaded “c” word from your doctor’s mouth is one of the worst feelings I’ve ever experienced. I have never disassociated from life so quickly. All I could hear the rest of that conversation was the Charlie Brown “womp womp womp” coming through the phone. My thoughts were both racing at the speed of light and frozen in time. All I could do was sit on the floor in the fetal position and sob uncontrollably.
I was only 31. I didn’t even have kids yet. Or a serious boyfriend. Now I didn’t know whether I would ever have the chance to have either. Growing up in the South, this blueprint was all I was ever sold. This was deemed the only way to live and I didn’t know how to move forward.
Since that initial moment, I have had so much internalized shame and self-hatred that I wouldn’t dream of thinking about any of my best friends or worst enemies. I had to face a lot of demons to come out on the other side and see the light of day again.
I won’t lie — I still have days where I give in to fear and regret, but I’ve learned that the only way to drown out the darkness is with light.
My self-esteem growing up was…not great. That’s one reason I love mentoring girls and young women. I want them to see themselves in a way that I never could as a kid. I could always see the beauty in others, but I had a hard time seeing it in myself. Why did I think others were more deserving of happiness and success? That’s a question for my therapist.
But through all of this, there are three things I know to be true for others that I am certain are true for myself as well, even if I don’t always believe them. I wanted to share them with you today and if you stumbled your way onto this post, I’d like you to read these in the first-person, to yourself as mantras:
I am NOT broken
It’s NOT my fault
I am still a HOT GIRL and I will get through it
I used to think mantras were silly, but I have since learned that we attract what we believe. Our brains are always trying to (1) keep us safe and (2) prove us right. Our brains don’t know the difference between sarcasm and reality. If we speak about the negative, our brains double-down to prove us right. If we start looking for the positives, our brains will try and prove us right and we will begin to notice more and more positivity. It’s kind of like the OG social algorithm. Pretty cool, right?
I’d love to know what you think about this idea and if you’d like more in-depth mantras and guided worksheets to re-build your mindset post-cancer. It is possible, I promise.
XOXO